Social networking sites have revolutionized the dynamics of
inter-personal relationships. Sites like facebook not only enable users
to communicate and share with friends every aspect of their lives but
are also an amazing tool to reconnect with long-lost contacts. However
when facebook friends take the place of real family members and updating
facebook status takes priority over real-life pleasures and
responsibilities, you know that you have a problem at hand. If your
partner shows signs of addiction to facebook, here are a few things you
can do to address the situation.
Log the hours
The first thing that your partner needs to do overcome his/her
facebook addiction is to recognize that there is a problem. Most forms
are Internet addiction are difficult to spot since the web is also an
enormous minefield of information and a workplace for many. So how much
Internet use is too much use? If you feel your partner is addicted to a
particular site, he/she must be spending a major chunk of his/her
internet time on that site. Start by totaling the hours your partner is
spending on facebook or even online over a typical week and show him/her
the results. If still in the early stages of the addiction, your
partner may be able to recognize his/her obsession and successfully
limit the time spent online in general and on facebook in particular.
Talk to your partner
Choose a suitable time and place and discuss with your partner the
feelings of abandonment and loneliness that you feel as a result of your
partner’s facebook addiction. The worst time to approach an Internet
addict is when he or she is at the computer just like it makes no sense
to argue with an alcoholic when he is drunk. Like any other fair
confrontation on a difficult subject, set a time and place that is
agreeable to both sidesDecide what you want to say
Before you confront your partner over his/her facebook addiction, go
over exactly what aspect of the obsession is troubling you most. Are you
worried that your partner is having an online affair
with a facebook contact or do you want him/her to limit the time spent
at the site? Once you are clear about how you would like your partner
change his/her online behavior, express your concerns as succinctly as
possible. Don’t rant or whine about him/her ignoring you or not paying
you attention. Rather be concrete and specific about what is in your
heart and express the hurt that comes with not being able to spend time
together, an empty sex life or the psychological isolation that you are
feeling.
Set specific goals
While discussing your partner’s addiction to facebook, come up with
suggestions on how he/she may be able to combat it. Suggest concrete
steps like limiting the time spent on facebook to certain hours on
weeknights and keeping the weekend free for the two of you. Or setting
an alarm some distance away from the computer so that your partner has
to get up and switch it off once the stipulated time of facebook use is
over. Ask your partner to contribute specific steps and how he/she may
best be able to cut down on the hours spent on facebook.
Use non-judgmental language
When you express your concerns over your partner’s Internet
addiction, avoid being critical and accusing. This will only make
him/her more defensive and not take the discussion anywhere. Instead
keep the focus on your own feelings of loneliness and rejection. Use
sentences beginning with “I” like “I wish we could go out more often” or
“I feel hurt when you don’t want to make love anymore”. This way you
can bring up the problem without directly blaming your partner.
Be empathetic
If your partner responds to your concerns, make sure you listen fully
and with respect. Try to suspend your own point of view for a few
minutes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. This does not mean
that you are giving in to your partner’s obsession but only that you are
open to what he/she is saying and trying to accept their reality
without judging it.
Identify the trigger factor, if any
Go back to the time when your partner first started spending too many
hours on facebook and see if was caused by any major changes in work or
family schedules. Perhaps he/she got laid off at work and there was too
much free time on his/her hands. Again a sudden illness or accident may
have compelled your partner to stay indoors and he/she got hooked to
the site for lack of things to do. If you think your partner’s facebook
addiction was caused by such factors, try to get him/her more involved
in real life situations. Hobbies, pets and enjoyable pursuits may be
helpful in bringing your partner’s focus back to the real world and get
more satisfaction here than from the online community.
Consider underlying problems
Online relationships, according to therapists, begin to replace real
life relationships when the person is distressed or dissatisfied with
his/her present emotional life. See if your partner’s addiction to
facebook is a way of escaping from discord, unhappiness or even boredom
in your relationship. If so, addressing the underlying issues in your
relationship may be a useful starting point of combating his/her
addiction to facebook.
Be prepared for a negative response
Like any other form of addiction, Internet addiction may also result
in denial and defensiveness on the part of the addict. Your partner may
insist that he/she does not have a problem or worse make it seem your
fault. Addicts are usually good at changing the focus of the real issue
by shifting the blame on to another person. So establish and maintain
healthy boundaries and remain true to your needs.
Look at other options
If you are unable to reach across to your partner the first time, try
again. You could write him/her a letter expressing your concerns or
even send an email, thus underlining the fact that not all use of
Internet is necessarily bad. If your partner continues to shut you out,
it may be better to seek the help of a marital counselor or therapist.
Experts are divided over whether addiction to social networking
websites like facebook, constitute a disorder in itself or is merely the
symptom of more complex problem like depression or marital conflict.
However the bottom-line is that when a person begins to be so obsessed
with sending posts and updating status on Facebook that daily work and
real life relationships are neglected it is time to look for help
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