Friday, 7 July 2017

CELIBACY - Easier said than done

When I share with other women that I practice abstinence, it is usually followed by an inquisitive look. Most want to know how long I’ve been refraining from getting busy and how long much longer I plan on continuing with it. How long? . Until when do I plan to hold out? The responses that I usually receive following my answers vary. Sometimes I get the eye roll, which is usually followed by girl-bye-no-one-abstains-in-2017 look. Sometimes I get a “good for you.” Other times I get a response that goes something like, “That’s great, I tried that once, but it didn’t work out,” or the infamous “That’s sweet, but get a little older and see if you’re singing that same tune.” However, the most frequent response that I get is “I always thought about it, but I could never do that,” which is probably somewhat true. By telling yourself that you can’t, you’ve already sabotaged yourself.

What many don’t realize is that celibacy isn’t something that is merely physical. From my own personal journey, I’ve come to realize that it is more of a mental battle than anything else. It is about making up your mind that you are going to refrain from sex and wanting it bad enough to truly stick with it, regardless of what opportunity presents itself and who comes along looking to change your mind. While there are plenty of people out there who will preach why you should become or remain celibate, not many are providing enough insight as to how. So, I’ve provided some of the tips that have helped me in my own personal journey, as well as some lessons I’ve learned along the way.
Recognize why you’ve chosen or are considering celibacy – Not knowing the reason why you’re doing something can greatly hinder your progress and success. I personally decided to abstain from sex for religious reasons. As a Christian, the Bible advises against participating in premarital sex. While I had already made the mistake of engaging in sex outside of marriage, I didn’t wish to continue with it. I no longer have the gift of virginity to give to my future husband; however, I didn’t wish to continue giving away what I did have to a guy that was undeserving of it.
Inform your current sexual partner (if you have one) that you’ve kissed that life goodbye – Unless you plan on cutting all ties with the current boyfriend or friend with benefits that you’ve been engaging with, then you should probably inform them that you will no longer be taking part in the festivities. Now, I can’t guarantee you that their response will be the most encouraging, because realistically speaking, it probably won’t, but verbally putting it out there takes pressure off of you and it decreases expectations.
Refrain from putting yourself in compromising situations – Just because you’ve chosen to take on the challenging task of locking down the goods, that doesn’t mean you’re superwoman. You are still human. With that in mind, try to avoid putting yourself in situations that might tempt you to give in to your desires. We’re sexual beings and to think that because you’ve decided to be celibate you are somehow exempt from getting “turned on” is foolish.
Don’t lead him on – Participating in 4-play knowing that you don’t have any intentions of going all the way is crazy. Besides, celibacy means abstaining from all sexual activities, not just the main attraction. By doing this you also make things more difficult (tempting) for yourself. It is unfair to him as well.
Inform anyone that you are seriously dating or considering seriously dating of your decision – This just helps you to avoid headaches in the long run, it always shows you where your love interest’s head is at. First, it puts everything on the table. You are letting it be known upfront that sex is not on your agenda. Allow them to then make the decision from there whether or not they wish to continue a relationship with you.
Align yourself with other women like you – The decision to be celibate can be challenging at times. Having support from people that have embarked on similar journeys can be really helpful and encouraging, especially on those rough days.
Be selective with the men you choose to date – Practicing celibacy while dating a sexually active man is really difficult, some would even call it impossible. Practicing celibacy while dating a sexually active man who doesn’t respect your decision to be celibate is a recipe for disaster. It’s probably in your best interest to date those who have also made a decision to practice abstinence.
Control your thoughts – There will be times where your mind wants to wander back to how it used to be. You’d be surprised at how vivid and accurate your memory can be sometimes. You have the ability to be in control of your thoughts. While you may not be able to completely filter the thoughts that pop into your head, you can definitely decide what you choose to dwell on.

Monday, 7 November 2016

Using sex as a weapon - Not cool

Let me start with a personal experience, there was this guy I was seeing, every time there was an issue, i threatened him with our relationship. I say things like "let's end things right now", let's just break up. At the beginning, he would beg and apologize, it got to a time he doesn't even care anymore, then he said "yetty, if you wanna leave, just leave". It's the same thing with using sex as a weapon, he would get tired one day, because he knows sex is all you can threaten him with, so he just gets it somewhere else. 

Using sex as a weapon is common with ladies. Some don't even know they are doing it. As long as you have this mindset  "if he isn't gonna do this for me today , am so not giving him sex today". You are obviously using sex as a weapon. That is, you are either punishing him or rewarding him with sex because of something u want him to do or not. There is nothing wrong with saying no to sex because you are not in the mood or you are sincerely tired , but if you are doing it purposely because you ask him to do something or give you something and he didn't do it, that's wrong. Before you know it, he wouldn't even care anymore. That's not what you want, right? Right? RIGHT. 

Remember: if you do withhold sex as a punishment for inappropriate behavior, or you give sex as a reward for being “good,” do it sparingly. Continually using sex as a commodity could potentially weaken your relationship and diminish the intimacy and trust the two of you share.

Using sex to either punish or reward their partners has been a favourite way of women to maintain control over a relationship. While it might give some short term gains, manipulative behavior like this can backfire big time. Here’s why you should avoid this sneaky strategy.

1) You devalue sex
When you use sex as a bargaining commodity in your relationship, you are devaluing its worth as a sacred and intimate connection that just the two of you share. Sex in a monogamous relationship means more than just between-the-sheets action. So don’t cheapen it by using it as manipulative tool for petty gains.

2) It’s unfair to him
Withholding sex is not fair play regardless the provocation. If you are angry at him for something that he has done, then battle it out with him on that issue, why get sex into it? Fight fair. Besides, what can be a better way to make up than a steamy roll in the hay?

3) He will be tempted to look elsewhere
There is no excuse for cheating, but look at it this way, if you continue to withhold to sex for long periods of time or at frequent intervals because you are angry or want something, it won’t be long before he starts looking at sex as a commodity too and starts looking for it elsewhere. And even if he doesn’t cheat, he will eventually distance himself from you emotionally and sexually.

4) It solves nothing
Withholding sex is quite pointless because though he might beg and plead a couple of times, after that he’s just going to get bored and do his own thing. And besides, even if he capitulates, it doesn’t mean that he has actually backed down. He might just be putting up a front to get laid. 

Don’t use sex as a bargaining chip.  Each time you do, it harms your relationship.

Friday, 4 November 2016

What is a fuckboy or fuckgirl ?

I'm sure you've all heard about the term "fuckboy", some of us have even been a victim of their tactics, well this is it.
They are most often "wolves in sheep's clothing. I'm talking about a very specific type of man and woman and their behavior. This "I don't mind fucking you over to get what I want" mindset is a very common thought pattern that I have observed. A fuckboy or girl aka Master manipulators are very insecure people who choose not to be mature and "real", hide behind ego, pride and lies while using manipulation tactics to make themselves seem more impressive than who they REALLY are. They seem to be the ideal woman or man following the womanly/ gentlemanly rules, going out with you for dinner, enthusiastic about you, interested in your life and listen to you attentively. They are probably very attractive, good talkers, fun to hang out with and seem to be great candidates for relationships. They demonstrate great promise and potential. They will be so seemingly genuinely into you, they will say that they want to be exclusive and not date other people. And you can't understand why sex with them drives you crazy. Then they fuck you over inside and out. 

Crazy isn't it ?????

Being Single Is Not A Disease – Some People Prefer Being Alone Than Dealing With Drama

its been a while!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i will be talking about the singles today *smiles*

 The reaction of most men when they meet an attractive single woman is, “What’s wrong with you?” But my question is, why does something have to be wrong? Why is it so unbelievable that an attractive woman would choose not to be in a relation­ship? Maybe the reason she’s single is because there isn’t anything wrong with her. People can be very toxic, and they bring a lot of baggage from previous partners. The fact that a person who has many options is not in a relationship speaks to his or her high self-esteem, not their lack of it. It’s easy to just jump into a situation with someone and start calling him or her your man or woman. But it takes discipline and knowing your self-worth that makes it easy to wait for someone who values you and uplifts you.

Most people have never taken themselves out on a dinner and movie date, and enjoyed doing it! And that’s a shame. What you do demonstrates the love you have for your own company and for yourself. That attitude is precisely what attracts healthy people into your universe.
Besides, being in a relationship or marriage is not an indicator that a person is emotionally healthy or even happy. I hear more complaints from so-called happily married people than single people. That’s not an attack on marriage; I’m just stating my experience. It’s surprising that a woman would even have to defend being single, especially to other women, but women are often the ones applying the most pressure.

i will be updating regularly from now on .....  Dont forget to take yourself out on a date and get to know YOU.

bye for now. 

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

7 reasons never to compare your relationship with anyone else's

Comparing your relationship with someone else's does nothing good for you rather you become more insecure because you'll always be one foot out the door.
Unhappy woman in bedUnhappy woman in bed

Every relationship is unique in it's own way with it's own strengths and weaknesses.

Inspired by All Women's  talk, here are a few reasons to never compare your relationship:
1. You'll always think of the negative things. The negative things make it look like everyone else is better than your partner. The grass is never greener on the other side in this case.
Unhappy lady  Unhappy lady

2. You fail to remember that no one is without fault including you. You aren't perfect, so don't expect perfection from your partner.

3. You may be envied by others. Other's may be thinking the exact opposite of what you think of your relationship.
Unhappy coupleUnhappy couple

4. You never see the full picture. You only see the unrealistic part in the relationship of others and totally forget that they have their downsides.
5. You aren't being fair to your partner by comparing your relationship.

6. You sink deeper into depression as each day goes by.
Unhappy couple Unhappy couple

7. You miss the awesome parts of your relationship by focusing on what you don't have instead of being grateful for what you have.

4 common relationship problems and how they can be avoided

No relationship is problem free, but there are some that are common than others. These kind of problems can pose a great danger to your loving relationship if they aren't resolved quickly enough.
Unhappy couple Unhappy couple

It's advisable to be aware of these common issues and work it out so you can have a stronger bond with your partner.

Inspired by All Women's talk, here are a few ways these relationship problems can be identified and avoided:
1. Not spending enough time with your partner: Couples get busy with life most times that they don't meet each other's emotional need well enough. To avoid this couples should always try to plan time and clear out every schedule to spend quality time together.
Unhappy couple Unhappy couple

2. Careless spending: At times two people who love each other may have different opinions on how money gotten should be spent. A problem could arise if funds are thoroughly mismanaged by one partner. To avoid this a spending plan should always be mapped out and agreed upon by both parties.

3. Unresolved problems: Most couples have one or two problems between them which will be left unresolved because both cannot reach a compromise. These could lead to a bigger because it keeps coming up every now and then. To avoid this couples should learn to agree to disagree which means reaching a common ground.
Unhappy couple Unhappy couple

4. Communication: It's one of the most common relationship dangers. Conflicts are bound to arise between couples. Good communication prevents it from escalating. To avoid this issue, one partner should be calm when the other is angry.

5. Not liking a family member in your partner's family: It could be your partner's mother, sibling or friend. It's understandable if you can't help it but all you need to remember that your relationship is just between you and your partner. You shouldn't try to let your dislike get in the way of the love you both share.

Thursday, 11 June 2015

Poof, Gone! How To Keep Your Cool When A Dude Just Disappears

 Sometimes men vanish into thin air. When that happens, follow these rules.
If you ask me, nothing is harder on the heart or the ego than the disappearing act in the midst of dating. One minute you are smitten over Mr. Constant Contact and the next … nothing. No explanation and no closure. He stopped texting, stopped calling and you are left to fill in the blanks.
Has your latest leading man disappeared without a trace? If so, here's what you should do:
1. Resist temptation. Once it is confirmed that Mr. Vanishing is alive and well, resist your urge to seek information from his friends, his family or the source himself.

I was dating Mr. Too-Good-To-Be-True for a solid month and I believed we were taking our happy romance to the next level. Then one day his daily "Good morning" text was missing from my inbox and I spent the rest of the day staring at my phone, distracted in sincere worry that something was amiss.
Mr. Too-Good-To-Be-True ignored my check-in call and before I could fabricate horrendous stories of his whereabouts, I noticed he was cheerfully posting on Facebook and obviously alive and well. Weeks went by and I could not shake my anger and self-doubt. Perhaps I did or said something wrong to encourage his behavior.
I mustered up an email begging for closure and some sort of validation that our connection was not a mere fabrication in my naïve mind. Again, no response. I never got closure from him, and by sending that email I gave someone who didn't deserve it another chance to let me down. If he was too cowardly to communicate our ending in the first place, no declaration of hurt or resentment will suddenly change his mind or his manners.
2. Don't take it personally, Your first reaction will most likely be to ask what you did wrong. But most grown men will communicate an ending with you. The ones who don't are most likely not ready for a genuine commitment.

My most recent romantic prospect, Mr. Long Distance and I had been chatting and texting for weeks when one day he abruptly stopped and started bringing up excuses to why he wasnt able to call or chat, but trust me, i wasnt buying it. to cut long story short, i moved on.
Breakups are hard but when one person seemingly holds all the power, it is even more difficult. Feeling rejected by another's avoidance is inevitable but it is important to remember that a grown man should know better than to partake in the silent treatment. Treating another person with a complete lack of respect signifies a major character flaw and that may have to be the greatest form of closure that you need