Healthy Relationships

Communication is a key part to building a healthy relationship. The first step is making sure you both want and expect the same things -- being on the same page is very important. The following tips can help you create and maintain a healthy relationship:

• Speak Up. In a healthy relationship, if something is bothering you, it’s best to talk about it instead of holding it in.
• Respect Your Partner. Your partner's wishes and feelings have value. Let your significant other know you are making an effort to keep their ideas in mind. Mutual respect is essential in maintaining healthy relationships.
• Compromise. Disagreements are a natural part of healthy relationships, but it’s important that you find a way to compromise if you disagree on something. Try to solve conflicts in a fair and rational way.
• Be Supportive. Offer reassurance and encouragement to your partner. Also, let your partner know when you need their support. Healthy relationships are about building each other up, not putting each other down.
• Respect Each Other’s Privacy. Just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean you have to share everything and constantly be together. Healthy relationships require space.

Healthy Boundaries

Creating boundaries is a good way to keep your relationship healthy and secure. By setting boundaries together, you can both have a deeper understanding of the type of relationship that you and your partner want. Boundaries are not meant to make you feel trapped or like you’re “walking on eggshells.” Creating boundaries is not a sign of secrecy or distrust -- it's an expression of what makes you feel comfortable and what you would like or not like to happen within the relationship.

Remember, healthy boundaries shouldn’t restrict your ability to:

• Go out with your friends without your partner.
• Participate in activities and hobbies you like.
• Not have to share passwords to your email, social media accounts or phone.
• Respect each other’s individual likes and needs.

Healthy Relationship Boosters

Even healthy relationships can use a boost now and then. You may need a boost if you feel disconnected from your partner or like the relationship has gotten stale. If so, find a fun, simple activity you both enjoy, like going on a walk, and talk about the reasons why you want to be in the relationship. Then, keep using healthy behaviors as you continue dating.

If you’re single (and especially if you’re a single parent), don’t worry if you need a boost too! Being single can be the best and worst feeling, but remember relationships don’t just include your significant other and you. Think about all the great times you’ve had with your parents, siblings, friends, children, other family members, etc..

Try going out with the people you love and care about the most -- watch movies together, go out to eat, take a day off from your busy life and just enjoy being you! If it helps, also talk about your feelings about the relationships in your life. If you just want them to listen, start by telling them that. Then ask what makes relationships good and what makes them bad? Along the way, if you need advice, feel free to contact us. We’re here to help 24/7.

And don’t forget, the relationship you can always boost up is the one you have with yourself!

What Isn't a Healthy Relationship?

Relationships that are not healthy are based on power and control, not equality and respect. In the early stages of an abusive relationship, you may not think the unhealthy behaviors are a big deal. However, possessiveness, insults, jealous accusations, yelling, humiliation, pulling hair, pushing or other negative, abusive behaviors, are -- at their root -- exertions of power and control. Remember that abuse is always a choice and you deserve to be respected. There is no excuse for abuse of any kind.

If you think your relationship is unhealthy, it's important to think about your safety now. Consider these points as you move forward:

• Understand that a person can only change if they want to. You can't force your partner to alter their behavior if they don't believe they're wrong.
• Focus on your own needs. Are you taking care of yourself? Your wellness is always important. Watch your stress levels, take time to be with friends, get enough sleep. If you find that your relationship is draining you, consider ending it.
• Connect with your support systems. Often, abusers try to isolate their partners. Talk to your friends, family members, teachers and others to make sure you're getting the emotional support you need. Remember, our advocates are always ready to talk if you need a listening ear.
• Think about breaking up. Remember that you deserve to feel safe and accepted in your relationship.

Even though you cannot change your partner, you can make changes in your own life to stay safe. Consider leaving your partner before the abuse gets worse. Whether you decide to leave or stay, make sure to use our safety planning tips to stay safe. Remember, you have many options -- including obtaining a domestic violence restraining order. 

The Seven Deadly Sins of a Relationship

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” - Emily Kimbrough

A reader, newly married, asked me to share my tips on how to make a marriage work. I wish I had a magic formula, but here’s a simple list of tips:

• spend time alone together;
• appreciate each other;
• be intimate often;
• talk and share and give.

But just as important as what you should do is what you shouldn’t do — and I’m sure many of you have stepped into these pitfalls yourselves. I know I have. I’ve learned from my mistakes, and have learned to recognize when I’m making a fatal error, and how to correct it.

If you can avoid these seven things, and focus instead on doing the four things above, you should have a strong relationship. I’m not going to guarantee anything, but I’d give you good odds. :)

1. Resentment. This is a poison that starts as something small and builds up into something big. Resentment is dangerous because it often flies under our radar, so that we don’t even notice we have the resentment, and our partner doesn’t realize that there’s anything wrong. If you ever notice yourself having resentment, you need to address this immediately, before it gets worse. Cut it off while it’s small. There are two good ways to deal with resentment: 1) breathe, and just let it go — accept your partner for who she/he is, faults and all; none of us is perfect; or 2) talk to your partner about it if you cannot accept it, and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you (not just for you); try to talk to them in a non-confrontational way, but in a way that expresses how you feel without being accusatory.
2. Jealousy. It’s hard to control jealousy if you feel it, I know. It seems to happen by itself, out of our control, unbidden and unwanted. However, jealousy, like resentment, is relationship poison. A little jealousy is fine, but when it gets to a certain level it turns into a need to control your partner, and turns into unnecessary fights, and makes both parties unhappy. If you have problems with jealousy (like I once did), instead of trying to control them it’s important that you examine and deal with the root issue, which is usually insecurity. That insecurity might be tied to your childhood (abandonment by a parent, for example), in a past relationship where you got hurt, or in an incident or incidents in the past of your current relationship.
3. Unrealistic expectations. Often we have an idea of what our partner should be like. We might expect them to clean up after themselves, to be considerate, to always think of us first, to surprise us, to support us, to always have a smile, to work hard and not be lazy. Not necessarily these expectations, but almost always we have expectations of our partner. Having some expectations is fine — we should expect our partner to be faithful, for example. But sometimes, without realizing it ourselves, we have expectations that are too high to meet. Our partner isn’t perfect — no one is. We can’t expect them to be cheerful and loving every minute of the day — everyone has their moods. We can’t expect them to always think of us, as they will obviously think of themselves or others sometimes too. We can’t expect them to be exactly as we are, as everyone is different. High expectations lead to disappointment and frustration, especially if we do not communicate these expectations. How can we expect our partner to meet these expectations if they don’t know about them? The remedy is to lower your expectations — allow your partner to be himself/herself, and accept and love them for that. What basic expectations we do have, we must communicate clearly.
4. Not making time. This is a problem with couples who have kids, but also with other couples who get caught up in work or hobbies or friends and family or other passions. Couples who don’t spend time alone together will drift apart. And while spending time together when you’re with the kids or other friends and family is a good thing, it’s important that you have time alone together. Can’t find time with all the things you have going on — work and kids and all the other stuff? Make time. Seriously — make the time. It can be done. I do it — I just make sure that this time with my wife is a priority, and I’ll drop just about anything else to make the time. Get a babysitter, drop a couple commitments, put off work for a day, and go on a date. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date — some time in nature, or exercising together, or watching a DVD and having a home-cooked dinner, are all good options. And when you’re together, make an effort to connect, not just be together.
5. Lack of communication. This sin affects all the others on this list — it’s been said many times before, but it’s true: good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow. If you are jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities. If you have expectations of your partner, you must communicate them. If there are any problems whatsoever, you must communicate them and work them out. Communication doesn’t just mean talking or arguing — good communication is honest without being attacking or blaming. Communicate your feelings — being hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad, happy — rather than criticizing. Communicate a desire to work out a solution that works for you both, a compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change. And communicate more than just problems — communicate the good things too (see below for more).
6. Not showing gratitude. Sometimes there are no real problems in a relationship, such as resentment or jealousy or unrealistic expectations — but there is also no expression of the good things about your partner either. This lack of gratitude and appreciation is just as bad as the problems, because without it your partner will feel like he or she is being taken for granted. Every person wants to be appreciated for all they do. And while you might have some problems with what your partner does (see above), you should also realize that your partner does good things too. Does she wash your dishes or cook you something you like? Does he clean up after you or support you in your job? Take the time to say thank you, and give a hug and kiss. This little expression can go a long way.
7. Lack of affection. Similarly, everything else can be going right, including the expression of gratitude, but if there is no affection among partners then there is serious trouble. In effect, the relationship is drifting towards a platonic status. That might be better than many relationships that have serious problems, but it’s not a good thing. Affection is important –everyone needs some of it, especially from someone we love. Take the time, every single day, to give affection to your partner. Greet her when she comes home from work with a tight hug. Wake him up with a passionate kiss (who cares about morning breath!). Sneak up behind her and kiss her on the neck. Make out in the movie theater like teen-agers. Caress his back and neck while watching TV. Smile at her often.
8. Bonus sin: Stubbornness. This wasn’t on my original list but I just thought about it before publishing this post, and had to add it in. Every relationship will have problems and arguments — but it’s important that you learn to work out these problems after cooling down a bit. Unfortunately, many of us are too stubborn to even talk about things. Perhaps we always want to be right. Perhaps we never want to admit that we made a mistake. Perhaps we don’t like to say we’re sorry. Perhaps we don’t like to compromise. I’ve done all of these things — but I’ve learned over the years that this is just childish. When I find myself being stubborn these days, I try to get over this childishness and suck it up and put away my ego and say I’m sorry. Talk about the problem and work it out. Don’t be afraid to be the first one to apologize. Then move past it to better things.

8 Myths That Could Kill Your Relationship

There are hundreds of myths about relationships, according to Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, a Michigan clinical psychologist and author of "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great" (Delacorte Press, 2009). The problem with persistent myths is that they can erode a relationship's happiness, she said.

When you think a relationship should be a certain way, and yours isn't, frustration sets in. And "frustration is the number one thing that eats away at a relationship," Orbuch said, and "it's directly tied to these myths."

That's why it's so critical to bust the below misconceptions. So without further ado, here are eight myths about relationships that might surprise you.

1. Myth: A good relationship means that you don't have to work at it.

Fact: "The strongest most enduring relationships take lots of hard work," said Lisa Blum, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena and Los Angeles, who specializes in emotionally focused therapy with couples. She believes that our culture, education system and parenting styles don't prepare us for the fact that even good relationships take effort.

She likened a healthy relationship to a good garden. "It's a beautiful thing but you wouldn't expect it to thrive without a whole lot of labor and TLC."

But how do you know if you're working too hard on a relationship? One sign, according to Blum, is if you're feeling unhappy more than you're happy. In other words, are you spending more time tending to the relationship and keeping it afloat than enjoying it?

This unhappiness becomes less of a rough patch, and more like the "normal state of affairs," she said.

Another bad sign is if you're trying hard to make improvements and changes, but you don't see the same level of effort on your partner's part. "There has to be some sense of 'we're trying really hard, both making changes and that's making a difference.'"

On the flip side, if both of you are trying and you can see positive changes being made at least some of the time, then that's a good sign, Blum said.

2. Myth: If partners really love each other, they know each other's needs and feelings.

Fact: "It's a setup to expect your partner to be able to read your mind," Blum said — because when you anticipate that your partner will know your wants, that's essentially what you're doing. We develop this expectation as kids, she said. But "as adults, we're always responsible for communicating our feelings and needs."

And once you've communicated your needs and feelings, "a better measure of the quality of your relationship" is whether your partner actually listens to your words. [5 Communication Pitfalls and Pointers for Couples ]

3. Myth: If you're truly in love, passion will never fade.

Fact: Thanks to movies and romantic novels, we assume that if we genuinely love someone, "the passion, urging and loving" never go away. And if they do disappear, then "it must not be the right relationship" or "our relationship [must be] in trouble," Orbuch said. However, passion naturally diminishes in all relationships.

Daily routines are one of the culprits, Blum said. As their responsibilities grow and roles expand, couples have less and less time and energy for each other.

But this doesn't mean that the passion is gone for good. With a little planning and playfulness, you can boost passion. Blum sees many relationships where passion is alive and well. "Passionate sex is a byproduct of sustained emotional intimacy along with a continuing sense of adventure and exploration and sense of playfulness." Orbuch also has emphasized the importance of couples doing new things to perk up their relationships (see her specific advice).

And when it comes to passion-squashing routines, Blum suggested couples ask themselves: "How do we tame our lives sufficiently that we can make time for each other and have energy left for each other?"

4. Myth: Having a child will strengthen your relationship or marriage.

Fact: Studies have shown that relationship happiness actually decreases with every child, she said. This doesn't mean that you start loving each other less or that you won't bond at all over your child, Orbuch said. But the mounting challenges can complicate relationships.

Having realistic expectations helps couples prepare themselves for their new roles, she said. When you think that a child will improve your relationship, it only adds to the complications.

As Orbuch said, "'should' statements don't allow you to see what the other person is doing to strengthen and manage the relationship," and these expectations "cloud your judgment." She recommended planning ahead and talking about the changes that will occur when you have your first child or more kids.

5. Myth: Jealousy is a sign of true love and caring.

Fact: Jealousy is more about how secure and confident you are with yourself and your relationship (or the lack thereof), she said. Take the following example: If you have a jealous partner, you might try to show them how much you care so they don't get jealous. But you soon realize that any amount of caring isn't a cure for their jealous reactions.

While you can be supportive, according to Orbuch, your partner must work on their insecurity issues on their own. "No matter what you do, you can't make your partner feel more secure" or "change their self-confidence."

Trying to make your partner jealous also can backfire. While men and women are just as likely to experience jealousy, their reactions differ. Men either get very defensive or angry, believing that the relationship isn't worth it, Orbuch said. Women, on the other hand, respond by trying to improve the relationship or themselves.

6. Myth: Fights ruin relationships.

Fact: In actuality, what ruins relationships is not resolving your fights, Blum said. "Fights can be really healthy, and an important form of communication and clearing the air."

Also, the type of fight a couple has plays a role. Not surprisingly, nasty, scornful or condescending fights that leave couples resolution-less and not talking for days damage the relationship. Productive conflicts that help the relationship end with "some mutual decision about how to manage this disagreement," Blum said. (Here's help on improving your communication and becoming a better listen and speaker.)

7. Myth: In order for the relationship to be successful, the other partner must change.

Fact: Many times we're very good at the blame game and not so good at pondering how we can become better partners. Instead, we demand that our partners make such and such changes.

Unless, there are extreme circumstances like abuse or chronic infidelity, Blum said, it takes two to make changes.

But even more than that, it's up to you to figure out what you can do. While this seems "simple and obvious," 100 percent of the couples Blum sees point the finger.

"It's a profound mental shift to look at what can I do [and] what changes can I make."

8. Myth: Couples therapy means your relationship is really in trouble.

Fact: By the time couples seek therapy, this may be true, but changing this mindset is key. Most couples seek therapy "when they've been suffering for a really long time," Blum said. "What elements were good in the relationship are destroyed."

Instead, Blum suggested that people view couples therapy as preventative. This way, a couple comes in when they've been stuck on one or two conflicts for a few months, "not five or six over the last 10 years."

What Respect Really Means in a Relationship

Self-help books and talk shows are replete with references to “respect” and how foundational it is to a healthy relationship. But for all this talk, the word is rarely defined in practical terms. What does respect look like in a romantic relationship? And how do you go about establishing respect, especially in a relationship where it has been lacking?

Showing Respect to Your Partner

We often focus on what we should be “getting” from our partner in terms of respect. But respect has a giving component as well…

• Choose your words carefully
  Words come out quickly and can be hard to take back. So before you launch a verbal tirade against your partner, consider the desired outcome of your words. Do you really want to “punish” your partner — or are you simply longing for him/her to be more considerate of your needs? If so, a diplomatic approach is more likely to achieve this goal.
   
• Acknowledge contributions
  There’s no way around it: Your partner is going to let you down sometimes. But most likely, he or she is also making some positive contributions to the relationship. Be sure to affirm these qualities, even amid other frustrations. Doing so will help your partner lower his/her defenses and lead to a more constructive partnership.
   
• Honor boundaries
  Understand and respect your partner’s personal boundaries regarding time together/apart, physical contact, etc.
   
• Be willing to compromise
  Being respected doesn’t mean your needs always take priority over your partner’s. Compromise provides a relationship the flexibility it needs to keep from ripping apart.
   
• Show consideration
  give sincere compliments and be generally thoughtful toward your partner.
   
• Be strong enough to admit when you’re wrong
  When you are confident in your self-worth, apologizing shouldn’t make you feel threatened. We all make mistakes; admitting so when it happens allows your relationship to move forward, rather than back.
   
• Protect your partner
  Never compromise your partner’s physical or emotional well-being. If your temper is out of control, seek professional help immediately.

Being Respected by Your Partner

• Understand your worth
  Self-esteem isn’t about thinking you are better than others. However, you should have an unshakeable conviction that your thoughts, feelings and body warrant respect. If you are truly convinced that you are worthy of respect, others are unlikely to doubt it.
   
• Act honorably
  While our fundamental human dignity calls for respect, being a person of character makes it easier for people to respect you. People who act with integrity rarely do anything to harm another person; accordingly, such people are more likely to be respected by others.
   
• Set and uphold boundaries
  When you love someone, it’s easy to let certain things slide. “He or she didn’t really mean it.” “It was just that one time.” “I know, but he/she has been working really hard lately.” If you find yourself regularly making excuses for your partner, he or she may be taking advantage of you. It is up to you to protect your worth and your boundaries from anyone who would undermine them.
   
• Be a man or woman of your word
  When you lie to your partner or break promises, you weaken the trust in the relationship. And lack of trust often leads to a lack of respect.
   
• Show respect
  To truly be respected, we must also respect. If you can’t find anything in your partner worth respecting, consider why you are even in the relationship. If just a few of your partner’s actions or attitudes are causing mistrust or resentment, actively address those issues. Taking a marriage/relationship education workshop can help you resolve conflict more efficiently and respectfully.

Respect means recognizing our own worth—and the worth of others. When we respect our partner, we are able to rise above pettiness, jealousy and cruelty. When we respect ourselves, we are able to transcend insecurity, defensiveness and fear. And respecting both ourselves and our partners enables us to build strong, lasting and mutually-supportive relationships.

Ten Ways to Make Your Relationship Last

One of the ways to live a long life is have close relationships. Having close friends and lifetime partner help us live longer and healthier lives for they help us alleviate stress, boredom and depression.

 Here are tips to make your relationship last.

1. Communication is the key
Constant communication must be maintained even on the busiest day. Nowadays time and distance is not an issue anymore if you really want to talk to each other

2. Don’t force him to change for youIt’s a no-no to force him to change his ways, you have to accept him or he’ll find someone else. Let him take the initiative to change, your life will be so much better.

3. The key to a man’s heart is through his stomach
The age-old saying is true. Making your man yummy dishes makes him love you more. So make an effort, it does not have to be an overnight thing. Learn one or two of his favorite dishes then gradually add more as time passes.

4. Support him in his decisions
His decisions are not always perfect but it’s his to make, just be there for him and give your opinions or just be with him on this difficult time.

5. Make your thoughts and feelings heard
He is not a mind reader. On the early phase of the relationship it is crucial that you let him know what your stand on things like how many children do you want, do you plan to keep working even as kids. How about finances? Would you have separate accounts?

6. Include him in decision making
Have a partner means any decision you make can and will affect him too. So before accepting a job that may include travel ask for his opinion on it.

7. Let him pamper youThe modern woman is independent and can take care of herself fine. But I discovered that men like to pamper us once in a while.

8. Don’t let the romance die
Just because you already lasted 5 years mean that you don’t need to go on dates anymore. Where is the fun in that? Regularly going on dates keeps the sparks going even if you’re old and gray.

9. Make time
Even if your busy with your career its no excuse not to have time for him. No sacrifice is too great just to spend an hour or two of quality time with before your end your day.

10. Work at it
Many think that once you get married, everything is okay, you have your man and you will live forever. Actually the REAL work is just starting for you and your prince charming to reach that forever after.

30 Heart-Melting Love Gestures Every Woman Loves

Every woman is special and should be treated as such, especially from a man who truly loves her. In any relationship, the borderlines between his life, her life, and your life combined is thin, but that’s no excuse for eliminating good manners, sweet gestures, and meaningful actions in your love life.
Despite the stigma, chivalry isn’t dead. It’s alive and well if you decide to practice it, and it’ll mean the world to her that you did. Below is a list of 30 heartmelting gestures that will leave any man thinking more about ways to please her, and less time thinking about his embarrassing fantasy football loss last week.
1. Early in the relationship, or in pre-”mutually exclusive” stages, walk her to the car when the date is over (if she doesn’t stay the night). Who knows, it may even end in an unexpected goodnight kiss. (Bonus: text or call her to make sure she get’s home safely.)

2. Texting every 5 minutes can be exhausting, but a call is more personal, easier to communicate, and can be sexy if your charisma carries well over the phone. It’s also far more courageous to ask a woman on a date with your voice and raw emotion, instead of your well thought out words via text.

3. In the early stages of dating, avoid racial, homophobic, or any other slurs altogether. If this is a part of your personality that will surface later in the relationship when you’re “comfortable,” it might an opportune time to reflect on this poor choice in speech.

4. If you wear a casual ball cap, snapback, or fedora to a date or outing with your lover, remove the hat when you enter ANY room indoors. Sure, hat hair sucks, and rarely does someone look fly rocking it. Acting in this way, however, distinguishes you as a man of class and self confidence.

5. When attending a fancy restaurant and she wants to look glamorous for you, kindly offer to drop her off at the front door to save her ankles. Dudes: just look at those deathtraps known as high heels? Would you want to walk 6 blocks on wet concrete after it just rained?

6. It’s always good practice, and good karma if that’s your thing, to treat the waiter or waitress with respect. Let her order first, offer to pay at the end (don’t insist on it too strongly), and always remember to tip onto others as you’d like to be tipped.

7. After a meal is paid for, kindly excuse yourself from the table to go call a taxi or pull the car around up front. (Bonus: get her door.)

8. In a social party scene with a lot of people, make it a point to introduce her first and foremost to your friends, colleagues, or business associates. Not only should you be extremely proud of this feminine fox you have on your arm, but it will also make her feel like a perfectly cut diamond.

9. Hold the door for her especially, but also for strangers. Selfless generosity is an underutilized turn on that’s super simple and effortless.

10. Give uncommon, unique gifts spontaneously. Why wait for her birthday, Christmas, or Valentines day when the pressure is on? Gifts on these Hallmark holidays are expected, but the one’s that were strangely awesome and a complete surprise she’ll remember forever. (Bonus: hand make the gift.)

11. Speaking of birthdays, those are important. The significance of growing another year older, however, lessens with each passing celebration. This gives you dudes room for extreme creativity. Standard birthday partys are cool and large dinner reservations are touching, but I challenge all guys reading to think of something more. A surprise birthday party, a weekend getaway, or something of that nature. (Warning: know her likes before attempting. If she’s a social butterfly and you’d rather be alone, don’t surprise her with a 4 day backpacking trip that will remove her from friends, family, and cell reception on her special day.)

12. Speaking of which, the digital age has made us so lazy. The convenience of texting and instant messaging makes over protection a real problem. Want a non-creepy, anti-aggressive way to remind her of your love without texting 75 times a day when you live in the same 750 square feet? Write her a love note. It can be as elaborate as the 5 pagers you used to pass Janice Hawlstruck between 2^nd and 3^rd period in 6th grade, or as simple as a sticky note in her lunch box. (Bonus: pack her a lunch, leave a note on the bag itself.)

13. I want to use a whole number to drive home the point that if you text mushy, over the top lovey-dovey stuff every 5 minutes of the day when you’re separated, the “I love you’s” exchanged when you’re face to face will slowly become less and less meaningful. Don’t believe me? Try it.

14. Anything involving a puppy or kitten. (Bonus: both.)

15. Either late Friday night, or early Saturday morning, pack the car with camping essentials, wake her up, blindfold her, and tell her to leave her phone behind. (Bonus: have lunches/dinner packed with her favorite food items.) (Double Bonus: get a hotel unless you know for sure she’s into sleeping on the ground.)

16. Make casual, but intentional, flirty eye movements from across the room. In other words, this is pretty much the only scenario where winking isn’t grounds for a restraining order.

17. If I were forced to give precedence to one of these, it’d be this: empower her. Encourage her dreams, help her attack her fears head on, and rely on each  other to grow stronger both as individuals and as a team. Ask her tough questions, and challenge her to be better every single day. I promise that this will result in mutual benefit and growth.

18. Take chances for her. Shake that booty even if you look like an idiot white boy. Cook even if you manage to burn water. Try crafts or draw a picture even though your kindergarden cousin can make a better construction paper collage than you. Your courage is sexy, and your willingness to try new things will go a long way with her. (Bonus: do things she already enjoys that are new to you.)

19. Respect the “Venn Diagram” of your relationship by offering up the house or apartment for the night so she can kick it and gossip with her girls. Why not use this as an opportunity to hit up an old friend from college, or go grab a long-waited beer with the guys?

20. Befriend her parents as much as possible, and show them your true self as frequently as you can. This is a difficult dynamic for some, but even if the relationship with her and her family, or you and her family is rocky, the fact that you’re trying to be the bigger guy will go a really long way in her eyes. (Bonus: once a relationship is established, offer to do something spontaneous and nice for her parents or family without her prior knowledge.)

21. Psychological test have proven that saying someone’s name casually in conversation is a surefire way to increase the bond between those people. In fact, Dale Carnegie brilliantly states, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” Trust me gentlemen, she loves hearing it, too.

22. Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, underestimate the power of tea or coffee in bed. (Bonus: utilize these three S’s: Saturdays, Sundays, and sick days.)

23. Keep the private “photo messages” you share between you two exclusively. It’s disrespectful to her and makes you look immature when you share this private information with your homies as a joke or to show off.

24. Make “deep belly laugh” a monthly priority at the least. I’m talking tears streaming down your face, stomach is sore from laughing so hard kind of laugh. Obviously you can’t plan these things, but put yourself in as many prime opportunities as you can to make it happen.

25. Surprise her by stopping one petty argument with a kiss. (Warning: one time use is encouraged. The cuteness rating of this moves plummets, sometimes disappearing completely, after the first time played.)

26. Focus on her eyes, even if your heart is racing and your palms are sweaty. (Bonus: minimal glances at her chest when you’re outside of the bedroom.)

27. Get creative with pet names and compliments, and do your best to not recycle them. Just like overly-lovely text messages, a name like “babe” or “beautiful” loses it’s luster after the hundredth time. Get creative, dudes. (Tip: when complimenting, be uber specific.)

28. When walking her home after a nice date (no matter the time of day) always walk on the outside of the sidewalk, or closer to passing traffic. This will shield her from any unfortunate event, such as a terrible driver or a semi-truck showering you in drainage water. (Bonus: if you have an umbrella, use it. Let her stay under the larger portion so she says dry.)

29. Offer her your coat. Nobody does that any more.

30. Stand up for her even if you both know she’s wrong. (Bonus: keep your cool when the situation get’s hectic.)

There you have it, gentlemen. 30 tips that take very little effort, but go a very long way with her. I’m curious to hear if I missed anything. Ladies? Gents?

7 Tips For Beginning An Open Relationship

How to communicate, set rules, speak up and create boundaries.

Here are some common rules people in open relationships use. But don’t follow these—do what's right for you. Each relationship is unique and it’s important to find what works for YOU.

• Always practice safe sex outside the relationship.
• No sex with mutual friends, etc

 

Don’t be afraid to speak up.
If you make rules that don’t work and you feel unhappy, be sure to leave room for adjustment. No one said the rules had to be set in stone and it may take time to feel out what works best for your relationship. Be patient with each other and the fog will start to clear.
Create boundaries.
If you feel the need to spill every detail of your escapades but your partner would rather you keep that to yourself (or vice-versa), you need to discuss boundaries that make you both comfortable. Ask for the details you want but before you even ask make sure you really want to know. Maybe you want to know who and when, but is it really necessary to know every detail? If you can handle it and it feels important to you then by all means, ask!
Take it one step at a time.
Start out slow. Consider first bringing someone else into your bedroom before you both go out on your own. Either way, be sure to have a frank discussion about each experience before proceeding full-steam ahead. If it felt right and you’re ready to move forward, you can now do so with more confidence. But if something went awry, identify the root of the problem and work it out before moving on.
Don’t cheat.
Unless your rules explicitly state that your partner wants to know nothing about who you sleep with, remember that cheating is still cheating, even in an open relationship. Holding back the details, even if it’s because you broke a rule and are worried you will hurt your partner, could cause greater problems going forward. Your open relationship only works because you have trust, and once that’s gone you have nothing.
Don’t force the issue.
If it isn’t working for one of you, it isn’t working for both. Whether this means adjusting your rules or stopping outside relations altogether, make the change that is going to make you comfortable. Open relationships do not work if only one person is happy. You may come to a point where you no longer need the open relationship or you may come to a point where you no longer want to stay in a committed relationship. Whatever your feelings, be open with them.
Open relationships are about working together to make your partnership exactly what you want it to be. If you're honest, communicate frequently and openly and use the tips above you'll go far.